:***

I dont want to throw these years away. I dont want to break up and i dont want to be without you. I dont want you to think less of me, i dont want you to fall out of love with me. I dont want you to chase me, i dont want to chase you. I dont want any one in the world but you. I want to feel the same love you gave to me before. I dont want to upset you, i dont want to make you angry. I want you to be proud of me, i want you to be happy with me, i want you to be happy for me. I want to see you, touch you, smell you. I want to hear your voice without a phone, feel the pressure of your body on the left side of the bed. I want to enjoy you in person, physically, emotionally and mentally. I want you to know that you are home to me. You are home when im the most furthest away from home, when i am at work. I am far from perfect but i try to be.

All i ever want is to make you the happiest princess on earth.

Senescence

Time has suffered us the loss of life, our skin wrinkles and falls from bones, we count the years in each others eyes. God is absent the days of our lives fade off into eternal night. We’ll pull the blankets down from the head of our death bed and in our last breathes as the candles flicker

“Home at last, my feet are tired and my mind is weary”.

“Rest easy, my love. Its the end of our journey. We lived a long and fecundicious life. We raised our children, taught them to raise their children. We lived through wars and violence, we awoke to the sunrise when our elders and brothers and sisters did not. We learned lessons that shaped us to the humans we will be remembered as and passed our knowledge on before our expiration. We lived when we hurt, we carried each other when we couldnt stand. We watched humans grow when the world was dying. We lived to see our young and naive race mature a little bit more. We told ourselves time and time again that our days would end, and life moved on. We grew a bit more wise, we grew a bit more intelligent. We came so far, and we made it here together. Life was a great big blur and some of the times i probably said i was too young to remember, i forgot. I am old. I am withered. I am almost too tired to leave my bed. My bones ache and my joints creak. We are old, and i am just as afraid as you are. The young painted a dark and ugly portrait of Death but for my age hes a patient, calm and understanding guy. There isnt a person on earth i would rather be closing the curtains with than you. Your hand is still as soft as the day i met you, and is still as warm as all the nights we climbed into bed before sleep”.

“We can reminisce of our days together as we pass ourselves on this evening. I was worried i would be spending this night by myself, rather than with you. I am happy with my life and that i spent it with you. We went everywhere together, and from here, i hope we can continue, if there is any where after”.

“We’ll find out soon enough. Goodnight, my love”.

I always like to leave a trail of things around for people i want to follow, and more frequently its been a negative, harsh and vengeful collection of words i want individuals to read and understand that i am unhappy with them. You are very different and always have been. From the moment we met, so few years ago and despite my actions following that have been disrespectful and hurtful towards you, i never thought lowly of you. Quite opposite in fact, and justly so, these past few weeks that we have spent together since our most recent episode(for lack of better words) are what i would like to consider the ideal relationship you and i have, years from now.

You have always been a wonderful person to me. You always spent your time listening to me when every problem i had was going on, always the shoulder i could cry on, arms to be held in and always some advice to tip off that often times i didnt take to heart. When we met, i was confused. I was hurt. I wasnt the Bryton few of my friends i kept around, or cared to stick around knew. I am ashamed of it, but what has already happened cant be changed. I hurt you a lot. I treated you like shit, spoke disrespectfully to you and did the same to many other people. I made a pretty bad rep for myself, and it catches up with me. You have always been a bright, bubbly and kind woman who keeps her patience with people that honestly dont deserve it. But thats a quality i admire, mostly because rather than friends right now, we are in a relationship i like to think is generally healthy. If it wasnt for your patience, you probably wouldnt be speaking to me, i probably wont wake up to your texts and missed calls. We probably wouldnt know each other anymore. If it wasnt for your patience you probably wouldnt be receiving this letter in the mail, opening or reading it.

What i cherish most is your strength. The trouble you have experienced in life and that you still remain a level headed and happy person, or at least it seems. I like that you understand me, that you and i have both been through hard times, some similar and others completely different, but through it all you have remained yourself. That is something i appreciate about you, your strength. The way you still stand tall and as yourself despite the scars life has left on your back. What i fear is that you think i pity you, and i dont want you to think that. Admiration and relation, that we can both support each other and wipe away the tears from our faces when things go wrong. I’ll never forget answering your call when Sam died, and the months after. Recovery has been a long road for you but you have come so far and i would love that you have become stronger. I promised you i would always be there to answer when you cried, to hold you up when you couldnt hold yourself. I stuck to it, and have always tried my best to help. We still talk about Sam, and from time to time you look back on all the good times with him. Your friendship was perfect with Sam, and i am truly sorry it was cut short. You always made Sam out to be the kind young man full of promise and potential. Its a great way to remember someone, and i couldnt picture him anything less than amazing. Theres many things we have discussed, but i know those subjects are sensitive, and private. I will not put them into anyone elses eyes and just leave you with the warm thought that just because i dont know how it feels, doesnt mean i dont understand. I do, and i have always kept it in mind.

Strength isnt a cosmetic or always a physical thing. It can be mental, and i have made it clear that you are that person who has a strong head, and you have made it an attractive quality. Theres many things i find attractive about you and i dont need to explain the physical things about you that are, except your eyes, and those, in my opinion, are the most warm and gorgeous i never saw. Your eyes, your face. It always seems that pure happiness is shining brightest right from your smile and the reason i ask for so many pictures of you is to see that happiness captured over and over. Your voice, and every second of it on the phone into my ears warms my heart and bones, calms my head when its weary. You give me the most euphoric feeling when you speak sweetly to me. I just cant explain to you enough the desire i have to hear it in person and when i do, i’ll tremble and shake. It will be a life altering experience for me. You are a drug to me that keeps the minuscule stress that overwhelms me at times bearable. You allow me to forget my life sucks, among very few other things that make me smile, you’re one of the best.

I have mentioned the term “life altering”, and on the subject of it, i would like to explain to you how much of a highlight the event of us meeting will be. You have always been afraid to talk about it, and i understand. It is a scary thing to meet someone you have known for two years and never met. I dont blame you. It scares me too, but it excites me to know that what i have been searching for is finally within physical reach. I would like for someday to hear you say that i have you, and you have i, that someday i can spend nights with you, days with you. Exist with you. Its a touchy subject, and i dont want to impose more onto you, but i would like to say the idea of traveling to you has come across my mind. A lot.

I have always thought of you as a positive individual to keep in my life and i’ve never wanted you gone. We met on a bands status over facebook, over a silly comment that we both still giggle over. Over two years we have stuck around, and recently we have become closer and closer, to nightly phonecalls and texting all day long. I have chosen you over relationships that failed, i have helped you when you needed someone the most. You have always been there for me when i needed it. You are one of the most amazing individuals i have ever met. Losing you is my biggest fear, be it to another man or because of my own mistakes. What i break, i wish to fix. Please dont give up on me. I am the happiest i could be and its because of you. I know this seems cut short because my brain is frying out on what to write. Sending you this letter is a big thing for me and im glad you’re reading it. I cant wait for your response. I love you ashley. You mean the world to me. Stick around. I have much to show you.

Love, Bryton.

Ashley Marie Kelly Ruisse, you are one amazing individual, and i love you too<3 text me maybe? 

I aint whole on the inside i cant explain whats going on with me. Stop it now with all the lies i know this aint how my life’s supposed to be

Pouring rain, cluttered alleyways, depressed neighborhoods, orange street lights, Millenium, at the foot of a skyline. I wouldnt mind being stuck at home all day watching the clouds roll over the skyscrapers. Wouldnt mind avoiding strangers in the city, building a new soundtrack to my life somewhere new.

oh my god

Calm and humid, the air stood still. grass hung onto condensation and soaked our feet. the lightning broke through the clouds, they peered over buildings towering over our horizon. cold winds began to blow, fog lightly settled in. the animals took their shelter and the leaves rustled as our nooses clenched our throats.

why cant you just be happy?